Humbling Moment

So much has happened in the past 3 months that it feels like a year has passed. Things have happened to make me reflect in upon myself.

I’m extremely impatient – probably my biggest flaw. I have other flaws, and some might find them more annoying, but if any quality of mine will yield me the most negative results its my impatience. Next to that, I need to think more before I speak. I’m very good at doing it when it comes to business, but in my personal life (and when speaking non-business at work) I tend to speak too quick…

I’m starting to realize that there are many right paths to walk – and that very few things in life actually happen as planned. Not to say that things always turn sour, just that our powers of prediction are quite poor. I’ve had a bit of trouble swallowing this – especially with all my background in statistical modeling for the commodities market. I still don’t completely believe that you cannot make money using mathematical formulas in the stock market, but I won’t outwardly claim its possible nor will I trust my money to anyone who says they can.

Once again I’m at an interesting impass due to communication. I’d first like to state that for the first time in my life I’m completely happy with my love life. I feel open and honest with my fiancee and I have complete trust in her. On top of that, I’m happy with our ability to communicate. She may argue and say that she wishes to know everything that I’m thinking/doing but thats just not possible. Largely because I don’t like to talk about things until there is surity (or at least some assemblance) because in the early phases of me thinking about things I start with TONS of possibilities. I wouldn’t nearly have time enough to talk about them all or explain them… Not until I’ve narrowed things down to a very select few options do I really talk about the things I’m thinking about… Plus, when I think about ideas, I often just keep all ideas in my head, even if I wouldn’t really want to go with it. By not speaking about it, it allows me to change my mind as I process the thought without having to explain myself.

But, to get back to the impass from communication. I wish not to get into details (as I find details are rarely helpful and often hurtful) but there is a situation that I’m stepping into where there is a great deal of information being withheld. I’m aware of quite a bit of this information, and I’m sure there is some that I’m unaware of. Much of the withheld information is mainly just an information overload – it can’t be expected for a person to have all the information. The other reason, I believe, is inexperience. While I still have some areas to work on, I believe myself to be a very good communicator. I tell people enough so that they feel informed without telling them things they shouldn’t know. I do my best to give people warning of possibilities so that they either feel included, or at least in the know.

And yet again – I digress… This isn’t about a comparison to my style. To be honest – as that is the whole point of writing here – my worry is that I won’t be able to make the best decisions because I don’t have a clear picture. Even worse, I greatly dislike not knowing something – especially if it is privledged. There are cases, like at ML when I completely understood that I didn’t know certain things that my superiors did, that is how chain of command worked. What upsets me in my current role is that since the only thing that really defines “chain of command” or what status I hold is what information is withheld/given to me. Now, if I knew what information I didn’t know, then I’d know it. So, I have no idea of knowing if there is information I don’t know. At this moment its just a gut feeling based off past experience. Outwardly I don’t show it, and for most of the work-day I’m too busy to even think about it, but for me to say here that I don’t think about it and that I don’t worry about it, that wouldn’t be very truthful…

There is quite a bit going on in my head right now, and I really don’t even know where to begin. I’d love to have the time just to get it all out so that I can hope to sort things, but I need to sleep, so that won’t happen.

Due to all my stress and everything else, I’m feeling a bit down and am definitely heading for a down cycle. I’m sure it won’t last long, but I’ve learned that these are the best times for me to by hyper-critical of myself (as it seems to come naturally during these times) and its the easiest time for me to make behavioral modifications.

Everytime I write here, I hope to have something profound to say – something that will touch someone’s life, or help someone. Its funny, since this isn’t really even public anymore, no one can read it. Yet still, I hope to say something profound anyways. Maybe its because I want it to be found one day and to have someone say “Wow, that was great” or “that really helped me,” I’m not even sure. My foundation has been shaken recently – I’m happy but scared shitless… I always thought the older I got that the more in control of my future I would be. Right now I have hopes and dreams, but I would be fooling myself to say that I could gander what my life will be like 1 year from now.

Its now time for me to sleep
Goodnight
-Nick

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