A great weekend

While most of my posts revolve around me working out my feelings and emotions, from time to time I’ll just give a “whats going on” in my life. I had a really great weekend this past 3-day weekend and it gave me alot of time to re-asses how and why I’m doing things/what I really want.

Melissa and I bought mountain bikes and went on some trails near her. It was fun and reminded me how much I liked biking (I used to go alot until I had a spill while on a difficult trail my junior year of college – no injury, but that was purly from luck). It was nice to be on a bike again and being outside. Also, another big thing that happened is that Melissa bought a new car (technically leased, but it’s hers…) In the process of hunting for a car, I found the car that I was looking to buy once I was done with my lease (in roughly 10 months). It was the color, make, model, and year that I wanted. The only “downside” was that it was 8 cylinder and I would prefer a 6. It was fairly low milage (47k for a 2003) and was very good price (~32k but I didn’t even start negotiating, so heck if I know what I could have brought it down to). I ended up not getting it for a bunch of reasons, but the immediate one was that Melissa was the one who needed the car now so we continued her search. She ended up getting a BEAUTIFUL car (red solara convertable). While negotiating the deal and doing all the math, I was also doing the math for the used car I wanted to purchase…

As part of that, I went back to my budget, and did tons of number crunches and thought back to my post about job satisfaction and feeling worthless (as its hard in today’s society not to see worth and money as similar and somewhat equal things). It was at that point that I realized much of what was upsetting me – there were things I wanted and could not have, and its not that I couldn’t have them, its that I wasn’t making enough money to have them, and therefore I felt like I didn’t deserve them.

Its an odd concept to explain, but it became clear to me – it isn’t even about HAVING something, its the knowledge that if I DID want something, I could have it – and currently I’m quite far from that. After my automatic savings, my mortgage, my car payments, my internet, my cellphone, my utilities, I really don’t have much left over – that is NOT a place I expected to be at this stage in my life, and its somewhat embarassing. I know tons of others my age are in this place, and many others in a worse place, but as anyone who knows me remotely well I really really hate being grouped in with other people my age. It has nothing to do with me thinking I’m any better or worse than other people my age, I’m just in a very different situation. When I was 13, I was working for an Internet Service Provider while others were out playing kickball and having their first crush. In highschool, I was busy working and starting websites while others were out drinking and partying. During college, for every spring break (except for one) I spent the week working 70+ hours for whatever company I was working for at the time. Does this make me any better than anyone else NO, but it does make me more experienced than them in the working world and I feel that makes it more justified to believe I should be in more advanced roles/age-categories… Well, that rant out of the way… … …

The rest of my weekend was very nice. I spent sunday in New Hope with Melissa, Kristin and the stevens crew, for Kristin’s B-day. Monday was spent BBQing at Melissa’s and it was very nice. I had a great weekend and am really looking forward to spending more time with Melissa. I know that with distance it’ll be tough to see each other, but we are discussing moving in together come next summer and its something I’m excited about. As always – I have my fears and trepidations about the whole ordeal, but that is why we are waiting and talking things over and discussing things and going over every detail and making sure this is what we both want to do…

So much has been on my mind lately, and so much is going to change at work in the next few weeks. My project goes live this weekend (meaning I’ll be busy all friday night, and saturday with this).

Well, I need to sleep. I came back out here because, for some reason, I wasn’t tired and figured I’d come and write and relax a bit before going to bed, but now I really need to get to sleep otherwise I’ll be incoherant tomorrow – something I can’t afford on the week of the release…

-Nick

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