Humbling Moment

April 9th, 2008

So much has happened in the past 3 months that it feels like a year has passed. Things have happened to make me reflect in upon myself.

I’m extremely impatient – probably my biggest flaw. I have other flaws, and some might find them more annoying, but if any quality of mine will yield me the most negative results its my impatience. Next to that, I need to think more before I speak. I’m very good at doing it when it comes to business, but in my personal life (and when speaking non-business at work) I tend to speak too quick…

I’m starting to realize that there are many right paths to walk – and that very few things in life actually happen as planned. Not to say that things always turn sour, just that our powers of prediction are quite poor. I’ve had a bit of trouble swallowing this – especially with all my background in statistical modeling for the commodities market. I still don’t completely believe that you cannot make money using mathematical formulas in the stock market, but I won’t outwardly claim its possible nor will I trust my money to anyone who says they can.

Once again I’m at an interesting impass due to communication. I’d first like to state that for the first time in my life I’m completely happy with my love life. I feel open and honest with my fiancee and I have complete trust in her. On top of that, I’m happy with our ability to communicate. She may argue and say that she wishes to know everything that I’m thinking/doing but thats just not possible. Largely because I don’t like to talk about things until there is surity (or at least some assemblance) because in the early phases of me thinking about things I start with TONS of possibilities. I wouldn’t nearly have time enough to talk about them all or explain them… Not until I’ve narrowed things down to a very select few options do I really talk about the things I’m thinking about… Plus, when I think about ideas, I often just keep all ideas in my head, even if I wouldn’t really want to go with it. By not speaking about it, it allows me to change my mind as I process the thought without having to explain myself.

But, to get back to the impass from communication. I wish not to get into details (as I find details are rarely helpful and often hurtful) but there is a situation that I’m stepping into where there is a great deal of information being withheld. I’m aware of quite a bit of this information, and I’m sure there is some that I’m unaware of. Much of the withheld information is mainly just an information overload – it can’t be expected for a person to have all the information. The other reason, I believe, is inexperience. While I still have some areas to work on, I believe myself to be a very good communicator. I tell people enough so that they feel informed without telling them things they shouldn’t know. I do my best to give people warning of possibilities so that they either feel included, or at least in the know.

And yet again – I digress… This isn’t about a comparison to my style. To be honest – as that is the whole point of writing here – my worry is that I won’t be able to make the best decisions because I don’t have a clear picture. Even worse, I greatly dislike not knowing something – especially if it is privledged. There are cases, like at ML when I completely understood that I didn’t know certain things that my superiors did, that is how chain of command worked. What upsets me in my current role is that since the only thing that really defines “chain of command” or what status I hold is what information is withheld/given to me. Now, if I knew what information I didn’t know, then I’d know it. So, I have no idea of knowing if there is information I don’t know. At this moment its just a gut feeling based off past experience. Outwardly I don’t show it, and for most of the work-day I’m too busy to even think about it, but for me to say here that I don’t think about it and that I don’t worry about it, that wouldn’t be very truthful…

There is quite a bit going on in my head right now, and I really don’t even know where to begin. I’d love to have the time just to get it all out so that I can hope to sort things, but I need to sleep, so that won’t happen.

Due to all my stress and everything else, I’m feeling a bit down and am definitely heading for a down cycle. I’m sure it won’t last long, but I’ve learned that these are the best times for me to by hyper-critical of myself (as it seems to come naturally during these times) and its the easiest time for me to make behavioral modifications.

Everytime I write here, I hope to have something profound to say – something that will touch someone’s life, or help someone. Its funny, since this isn’t really even public anymore, no one can read it. Yet still, I hope to say something profound anyways. Maybe its because I want it to be found one day and to have someone say “Wow, that was great” or “that really helped me,” I’m not even sure. My foundation has been shaken recently – I’m happy but scared shitless… I always thought the older I got that the more in control of my future I would be. Right now I have hopes and dreams, but I would be fooling myself to say that I could gander what my life will be like 1 year from now.

Its now time for me to sleep

Quite reflection

January 29th, 2008

I haven’t had much time to really stop and reflect on the things that are going on. Sadly, I won’t really have that kind of time tonight, but tomorrow I hope to take a long walk during work or a long lunch and just sit and do nothing.

I’m not sure what to write, I think I just wanted myself to stop and think… As this isn’t public anymore, I believe I’m just writing for myself at this point.


So much has happened

January 27th, 2008

Usually when I post, its because I have alot on my mind – which I do, but I also have a few exciting things to announce.

First off – I just got engaged. On January 24th, I popped the question and my now fiancee said yes.
Second – I have a new job. I’m going to be working for a startup – as their lead technologist and soon CTO (Chief Technology Officer).
Third – As I am not engaged and have a new job thats in central jersey, I will be moving down to that area.

I’ve had so much on my mind – so much going on that needs to get taken care of. I need to rent my current house out. I need to find a new house, I need to put a down-payment on said house. I need to buy furniture for this new house. I need to learn a completely new set of applications where I’ll be working. I need to get back into “small business” mode. I will be moving farther from my mother who has just begun a long-road to recovering from severe alcoholism. My lease is up so I need to get a new car. I have many loose-ends that need to get tied up at work. I just took on a new contract for a website as I need the money…

Through all of this – I’m trying to stay sane, keep in touch with friends, and most painful of all – deal with my manic depression… Its hard to tell if I’m drained because I’m stressed or if I’m in a down-cycle, or what. Lately I’ve been pretty bad about keeping a schedule (for the stuff going on as well as my health), but I have been making lists that have helped me keep track of whats going on.

Through all of this – I’m trying to remain “Nick.” The rock that everyone can lean on. with the exception of having to get a new car – all of the decisions that I have and will be making in the next few months will truly shape the rest of my life. There are major downside risks. If I make a rash decision with a house I could get in over my head, buy a house that requires tons of fixer up money, or get something that ends up too small forcing Melissa and I to feel cramped and putting pressure on our relationship… As for getting engaged – I’m extremely excited and happy about it, but as you see, its a life-altering choice and a decision I hope to never have to make again. With my job – I’m working for a startup – inherently a risky thing. They have great potential and the role that they are asking me to play will truly be a challenge.

Many years ago when I was first getting press for being a young web developer, I was offered a position to be one of the first developers for At the time, I felt like I made the right decision by saying that the job was EXTREMELY over my head and that I would not be able to do the job. It was probably for the best that I did that – as it caused me to learn the greatest lesson about technology. That lesson is that one cannot possibly know everything, especially with technology. And, the best way to accept a challenge is by being eager and excited and learning everything you need to know to get the job done. Ever since, I’ve sworn never to let people dissuade me because something might be hard, and NEVER to say no to an opportunity if I have the ability to learn what it is I need to get the job done.

That leads me to where I am now. I’m at a great junction where I will be diving right in and using all my prior knowledge as well as new knowledge I’ll be gaining along the way to help improve and grow this company. The truly have the potential to grow. If we went public 3 years down the road, I wouldn’t be shocked at all. But, alot of this is resting on my shoulders. The two owners seem like extremely intelligent and competent people – which is a huge sigh of relief for me (i’ve had a bad history of working for people who are neither intelligent or competent). That being said, I bring quite a bit of start-up experience, business plan writing, and technology experience to the table. Without me, the company has a good chance of surviving and doing great, but with my help, I believe that the chance will be drastically higher. That being said – I need to truly perform and step up to the plate to be able to accomplish that goal. I’ve had many people stand in my path who have been trying to hold me down. At ML I’ve had quite a few people who have called me “immature” and “over-zealous” and that I’m just “junior.” On the flip-side, I’ve had managers and other co-workers who have nothing but positive things to say and are shocked that I’ve been stuck at the level I was at…

I know that I have limitations and a great deal that I DON’T know, but there is one thing I do know. That is that I can learn and adapt for any challenge. I won’t ever claim to know everything or have every answer – but if you give me enough time, I’ll find an answer for any question you throw my way.

And I sit here so unsettled. I honestly think I’m afraid. I’ve never really been afraid like this before, but despite the fact that everything going on in my life is going well, I know that I truly have to perform for it to stay that way. When I was starting highschool, I had plans for myself. I set myself very aggressive goals and worked towards them. When I started working at ML I saw my goals go out the window. As beauracracy and BS politics kept me from growing and being who I wanted to be, I saw myself settling into responsibility. With the responsibility of having a house, I saw my chances of creating a new venture slipping away. I was hoping in college to meet a business partner, yet it seems i’ve met quite a few people but none that I’d really start something with…

Now, I have the chance to be part of something at the ground level. From practically day one, I can get in and have actual partners (well, bosses…) And its thrilling.

but ultimately the next few years are going to be filled with alot of work. Living with Melissa is going to be a fun and exciting adventure, but it will be a learning experience and will come with its own problems. Preparing for a wedding is going to be challenging as well. Dealing with the growth of a startup will also be trying – as that’s often a 60-80 hour a week job.

Sometimes I wish the easy button from Staples actually worked. That you could just hit it and have everything done for you. That isn’t true. I guess I’m just scared because there is so much work to be done and I’m doubtful of my own abilities. I look at my past failures and assume that it was my fault. As a way to try to humble myself, I take a look at every mistake and make it my fault and do my best to learn from it. And, for every success, I claim it to hard work and luck. Because for the most part, thats what all success is – hard work and luck. So much is our of your control.

Well – I know this was just a rambled mess, but I wanted to just write. I was hoping to learn something new, but I don’t really think I did. For now, I sleep


What the future holds

December 20th, 2007

For some reason, I’ve been forced lately to look upon the future. In some cases the near future, as in where i’ll be living next year, next steps in my life, etc. In other cases, I’ve been forced to look at the world.

Now, I’ve always tried to be a forward thinker, as I wish to lead the revolutions instead of just being a part of them. Trends are useful in helping to see the small incremental changes. Its easy to predict that cell phone usage will increase, that soon everyone will have internet on their phone and use their phone for e-mail. One can predict that TV will become on-demand, and that the TV/Video Game System/Computer will become integrated. Those trends are incremental and will most likely happen.

What others cannot predict is what is the next big thing. I’ve speculated such things as virtual displays (3d/holograms), Sensory Interactions (in its simplist form, a computer that can release smells to help you experience a movie or game. In a more complex form, something that sends sensory signals to your brain).

We’re due for a huge change in the medical field. Nanotechnology promises great things, and it may be the key to minimally invasive surgery as well as a host of other changes, but these are all things we can predict, these are all the next logical steps. What we can’t see yet will most likely effect us greater is the greater understanding in brain activity. Imagine being able to send a feeling to someone else, or be able to have a doctor tap into your brain signals to find out EXACTLY where something hurts.

But, one of the biggest changes that I believe will shape the future is the decline of democracy as we know it. No longer does the world need war to spur innovation. In the past, innovation was spurred first by war (build a better weapon) then by overindulgence (I just pilfered all this gold, how can I spend it so that i’m remembered forever – invent me something grand!). The cycle continued as wars were localized, and, while many people died, did not have the lasting effects as nuclear or biological weapons.

In today’s world, war becomes dangerous and expensive. There is no winning a war as there is no loot to be stolen. A government can – at best – help to stabilize an economy and fund small research. It is the corporations of the world that drive the major changes.

The formation of the European Union (EU) and the eventual change to the Euro is a step in the direction that I’m predicting, but a very small one. It helps to illustrate the point, but it is a different dynamic.

There will come a time when governments will lose their powers over corporations. As mega-global companies such as walmart, nike, or mcdonalds invent thier own supply chain, their size grows bigger than any one country they reside in. Sooner or later, they ask: “What are you providing me for the millions in tax dollars I give you every year” and as that answer gets reduced to “umm… well… nothing” the governments lose their hold. Not to say that regulation goes out the window – because there will be an emergence of a greater EU that will provide rules and regulations. What will the governments do – act as branches to help enforce those rules and regulations. This radical change will be a free-market democracy. The market will decide what they want. Out with the days of 4-year terms and electoral colleges. Consumers decide if they want to purchase one good or the other based on the politics of that good and its cost.

But who will save the world from global warming and the likes? who will prevent exploitative labor? The answer is – the regulating body will try, but it will come down to the will of the people. Do they care enough to spend a few extra bucks supporting the “greener” product, or save money on the cheaper shoes made in a sweatshop? In essence, its democracy at its best. Every purchase is like a vote. Although, that does give more “power” to those with more money, but, in no way does it strip the voice of the masses.

Is this something I want? Not really. Is this something I see as a possible future – yes. But, we don’t really know what is coming next.

Goodnight all

Making Up for lost time…

December 20th, 2007

I plan on covering alot in this post – as much time has gone by. The first is I wish to define reality, explain the differences of the individual as well as the group and the concept of generalizations. Lastly I plan on touching upon insecurity and arrogance.

Now, before I go on as if I know everything – I’d like to point out a few things: 1) this is a tautoligical argument – therefor it is somewhat self defining and self refering, if you take it for truth, then there is no argument. If you think I’m wrong, just simply by the fact that I am writing it and you are critiquing it calling it wrong validates it (it says that you think you’re so right that you can call my opinions and thoughts wrong). If you belong to another camp of thinking – saying that I’m right but missed a few points and could clarify things better – then you are right – as thats most likely the case. That being said, I’ll go on to make my argument.

Defining Reality
Let me first start by defining reality. I’ve done this before – not sure if it was done here or in a previous blog but I know I’ve discussed reality quite often – as it is the one thing that we cannot escape.
I would like to also note that I link the definitions of Reality and Truth – claiming that you can pretty much interchange the two words – most people would like to believe that there is only one truth and only one reality – but that is not the case I will be making. Recently, South Park made a case that anything that effects the real world should be considered real – and therefore exist. There are two different kinds of events – concrete events and non-concrete truths. A concrete event is one that can be scientifically proven and validated – such an example is that a hurricane that we labeled Katrina struck New Orleans. Then there are non-concrete events – such as why the levees broke in New Orleans. People can argue that they were poorly built, or that they were built fine but katrina was too powerful. Others can argue that it was lack of funding and that the government COULD/SHOULD have done something to prevent this – all those “facts” that surround the event are really all up to interpretation – due to that, those facts are really not facts – just plausible possibilities.

Now – there are also cases of concrete events in which the “truth” has been bent. History is a shining example that one event can not only be looked at from a different angle, but that events can be nearly erased. If you can get your hands on a history text book (US or world history, american published) from the 1970s or 1980s – I recommend you do. Look at that and wonder what people were thinking when they wrote it. 80% of it is still correct (or VERY close to correct), 10% is sketchy and somewhat wrong, and 10% is almost comically wrong or biased. Also – if you can get your hands on history textbooks printed in the south versus the north. Up until the early 1990s there were still history books that portray the north (in the american civil war) as the evil invaders and near declare the south the winners of the civil war. Now – if people reading this text book believe it to be true, and propogate that knowledge – what makes it false?

One of the more interesting characteristics of the human brain is its misrepresentation of the 4th dimension – time. People can easily grasp a baseball and throw it as they understand the concept of a sphere and the dimensions are easy to determine from a cursory glance. But, when it comes to determining the past, most people are happy to say: “well, it looks like this now, therefore it must have always looked like this.” The earth is round – something that really has only been within the realm of human knowledge for a few hundred years – before that we believed the world was flat. Now – I will NOT argue that the world is semi-spherical TODAY, but, who’s to say that 1million years ago it wasn’t much flatter and has been rounding out as it gets older? Now – in this example, there actually is enough scientific evidence to show the shape of the earth for quite some time, but, it still proves my point fairly well

Since reality (and therefore truth) are subjective – who gets to decide what the public believes? Well – wouldn’t it be nice if things were democratic – if everyone could be presented with all the supporting evidence and they could vote on what the truth should be? First of all – the US can’t get more than 50% of its population to vote in an election for president, how could they possibly get a reasonable % to vote on something like pluto being a planet or the victors of the american civil war? That also being said, we now come to the inherant nature of humans as being leaders or followers. Now – there have been numerous studies to determine what a leader is, and how many there are in relation to followers – and the only thing they agree upon is that there are for more followers than leaders. Since I’m a firm believer in statistical variance – I’m going to say that 20% of people are leaders and 80% are followers.

With that laid, 80% of people define their truth based off what the 20% believe as reality. Even amongst these 20% – the leaders, there are a handful that have such a strong personality and sense of reality that it causes other leaders to believe that. One of the greatest examples of such a leader is Jesus. People can argue the fact that Jesus was the son of God, or that Jesus was ressurected, but there is one inarguable fact – a man named Jesus lived and he spent much of his adult life wandering around and preaching the principles that defined christianity. (Actually, even that it is almost unrefutable that someone named Jesus lived, there is no body, nor direct proof that it is true. Yes, the writings of the bible were supposed to be chronicling his journey from his closest followers (who themselves were leaders). Everyone may have their own reasons, but people follow the reality that is brought upon them by the leader with the strongest reality.

If nothing else – I hope that I’ve pointed out that truth and reality really are shaky. And the biggest reason that I point this out – especially in the way that I have, is to force people to look upon what they believe is reality and what they believe to be truth. I often find myself saying/doing things that I later regret in some small way because the truth i believed earlier was not the truth I believe now. The only way to combat this is to constantly re-evaluate what is truth and also to be open to the fact that truth can change. Prejudices are the greatest destroyer of society, and I know I have mine, but, I have been active in attempting to break those and to look at a situation from all angles – the only way to be sure that at all times you’re making the right decision.

The Concepts/Truths of the Group and the Individual
There is a religious belief – that all humans are built from pieces of God and that everyone is a complete individual. As time has moved on, people have strayed from that belief when it comes to the physical body. We all believe that a human has a heart, a brain, hands, etc. Whenever someone has something abnormal – we call it a genetic anomoly or a mutation. Yet, when it comes to our personalities and beliefs – there is still a firm hold that everyone is unique. I plan to show that the same statistical variances that govern our physical anomolies cover our mental anomolies. Also – I plan to make a case about how a majority of personality is nurture.

Humans are social creatures. We thrive on social interactions and need the group to exist. There is constant debate about generalizations and profiling – if they are moral or if they work. The issue of morality comes based on profiling based on race, sex, or religion. But, if we take a look at the rate of repeat offense for sexual offenders. According to the american legal system, a criminal who is charged and convicted of a sexual offense, they have a 75-80% chance of repeating a similar offense when they are released. Now – I’m not going to push the debate that due to this statistic – that sex offenders should be dealt with in a manor that they won’t repeat their offenses, that isn’t the point of this argument, but, what I do want to point out, is that the bit of information that someone was previously a sex offender can be very useful.

Lets say you have a neighbor move in who is a registered sex offender. It is wrong to immediately assume they’re a horrible person (theres a surprisingly high number of very minor offenses that get you on that list. Also, there are the 20-25% that never repeat). Lets say you get to know the person and they seem respectable. They are nice and you become friendly with them. Now lets say you have a child who needs babysitting. Would you call upon this sex offender? Well – I would recommend you do not. There is a great example of a situation in which generalizations come in great handy. If you weren’t to make a generalization, then you would think: “Oh, they’re a nice person, they seem respectable so far, they can babysit my child.”

Now, there are generalizations that are incorrect – as stated above, truths really are just “now” truths and can be changed. So, along those lines, I will state that there is SOME truth to MOST generalizations. Due to the immense amount of people on this world, no generalization will be true for everyone. Even making a statement like: “All people with skin that can produce hair will have hair” or “all people desire to be happy.” So what % of truth makes a generalization useful? Well – I bring up the economic idea of risk/reward. This theory states that for every action there is a risk attached to it as well as a reward. In economics, these risks and rewards are measured in dollars. A good decision has a reward that outweighs the risk. When it comes to social theories, one could place the same ideals. Take the sexual offender as mentioned above. If the generalization is 50% correct, then I’d say the risk of not letting the person babysit is worth having to find another babysitter. If the generalization was only appropriate 1% of the time, then I’d say the risk/reward would RATIONALY be fine letting your child stay (I say rationally because you probably have a 1% chance of having someone from a babysitting service or any other friend that you know abusing your child. Still people wouldn’t take the risk, but it would be an irrational choice based off emotions…)

So, all generalizations have a few factors:
1) All generalizations have a % correlation of correctness. For the sake of the arguments that I make, if a generalization is true for a majority of people (51% or more) I consider it to be a useful generalization
2) All generalizations will have outliers and extreme outliers. Outliers are people who prove or somewhat go against such useful generalizations. An extreme outlier is someone who goes completely against the generalization or completely verifies it. For example, if I say that “Women like chocolate and use it as a comfort food.” I don’t have statistics on this (although I’m sure I can dig them up to prove that more than 50% of women like chocolate and use it in some way as a comfort food) but it is something that should be easy to digest. The outliers are those women who like chocolate and somewhat use it as a comfort food – and those who aren’t huge fans of chocolate and/or don’t use it as a comfort food. The extreme outliers are the women who can’t go a day without chocolate and if they are sad, chocolate better be near or they’re going to kill. Also there will be outliers that hate chocolate and think its silly to have comfort food. – I’ll go more into this later (yes, i understand that outlier is usually a term for a deviation over a z-score of 1 or 2, but i’ve decided to define them as such. If you wish to argue semantics, we can do so, but thats beyond this argument)
3) A generalization with a 80% correlation of correctness or more is considered a social truth. If only 20% of the population doesn’t follow a belief – its fair to say its a good judge to form a prejudice.

OK – Now, I’m going to show usefulness of the above. I’ll start by explaining how due to the fact that there are extreme outliers does not prove or disprove a generalization.

Well – i’ve had this post in draft for some time, and while I find it useful to finish it, I’m not motivated enough at the moment. Although I will recommend you read “Black Swan” for more on this topic…

Soundtrack to Life

November 21st, 2007

I rarely post links, but this is a good one. Face in the Sky. As I was watching that, I realized that it would have felt a completely different emotion if clown music were playing – I would have laughed. But, since “Any Other Name” byt Thomas Newman was playing in the back I suddenly felt thoughtful and grand.

After hearing that snippet, I pulled up a few songs on my playlist that evoke similar emotions. I queued them up and was reminded that I’m a very music-oriented feeler. I associate memories to music and I associate feelings to music. There are songs that hold meaning to me as I first heard them in a certain place or there was something special going on when I was listening to that song. I’ve always looked at music as a mood enhancer – it can be an amazing distractor and can do wonders for setting an emotional stage.

I recently re-watched Onegai Teacher which is a beautiful anime that has deeper meaning to me than it might others. I love it because I see it as being a story about developing love, growing up, forgiveness for one’s actions that don’t match one’s intentions, and the all important romance that comes from tension.

I am probably one of a few people in this world who has been told that he talks too much yet doesn’t talk enough. Believe it or not, I somewhat agree. When it comes to concrete things that require knowledge-level understanding, I talk in length. My goal is to leave my listeners with a complete understanding of whatever it is I’m talking about. That explains why I’m verbose here. I want to make sure my point gets across successfully. BUT, where I’ve been told I don’t talk enough is when it comes to emotions and how I’m feeling.

Its not that I’m afraid to show my emotion, its that I believe words are limited. Words are concrete and words require the use of the left (logical) side of the brain. Very few people can marry the left and right sides of the brain. I may be able to use both sides, but using them both at once is not a skill I have honed. When I am feeling intense emotions, I am often very silent, yet I am saying so much with my body language. I am more dramatic with my hands, my fingers, and my eyes. If I’m angry, I become rigid and pull away – taking a more birds-eye approach to the situation. When I am excited, I lose myself and become more focused on the situation – ignoring what is going on around me.

I believe more can be said with body language and without words than with words. In fact, I sometimes believe words can break a moment. Maybe its the romantic in me – but there is something serene about the movie scene where the two lovers are locked in each other’s glare. The world goes on around them yet the camera focuses on them, slowly spinning around them – showing that it is only them – they are the center of the world at this moment and that is all that matters. Slowly – with anticipation – their lips approach until they finally kiss. The moment loses its power if one of them rushes. The moment loses its power if one of them speaks or breaks eye contact to look out the window or at something potentially distracting. But why? The answer is that if you are truly in the moment, then there is nothing to say. If you’re completely lost in the other person, you don’t NOTICE whats going on around. It takes a while to get to that point – to be able to completely lose yourself in someone, but it is so amazing when it happens…

Onegai Teacher is an amazing demonstration of the awesome power of tension. A secret you cannot tell anyone – a first kiss – conflicting emotions – conflicting roles – conflict breeds passion. Thats why people say that make-up sex is so great – its built on conflict. But – can we create that tension and pressure without conflict? The answer is yes – but its much more difficult. It takes a bit of self-awareness and an ability to let go. When people are angry – it is VERY easy for them to get tunnel vision. To focus solely on what angers them, it is something that seems to come naturally to us. That is what makes the transition of make-up sex what it is. You’re tunnel vision is on full and you become selfish. You at some point rationalize that your original anger was a bit unfounded but your partner now owes you something – and they can repay in the bed. Make-up sex is usually regarded as amazing because the woman feels like she is in control because she is finally being selfish. Since she is in control and worrying about her own orgasm – she will orgasm much better than any other time. And, lets be honest guys, theres nothing that turns a guy on more than a woman in full pleasure…

So how does one arrive at this without the fight? All it takes is the ability to let go – to lose yourself in the moment. You cannot logically do this – as the moment you think about doing it – you’re done. The moment you THINK – you are no longer lost in the moment. This is extremely difficult for people – because we are constantly berated with Media. Our cell phones, iPods, laptops, PDAs, and TVs keep us constantly amused, entertained, and engaged. We have difficulty just turning off and focusing on one thing. So, if you can master that, you can master that passion.

And for me, it is late and I must sleep.


A great quote to ponder…

September 13th, 2007

Director: “Ahh… You’re a tough critic. Are you saying that we members of theaudience have a reality to which we should return? … ”
Major: ” Yes I am.”
Director: “For some who are watching the film, misery will be waiting for them the instant they go back to reality. You’re willing to accept responsibility for depriving these people of their dreams?”
Major: “No, I’m not. But dreams are meaningful when you work towards them in the real world. If you mearly live within the dreams of other people – its no different from being dead.”
Director: “You’re a realist”
Major: “If a romantic escapes from reality, then yes.”
Director: “You’re a strong girl, if the reality you believe in ever comes about, you give me a call. When it happens – thats the time we’ll leave this theater…”

Its finally over… Or not…

September 9th, 2007

My application released – it is now being used in production. This is good and bad. As this is a public forum, I’m going to be quiet about speculating what things will happen now that this has finally released. Its odd – I’m seeling things from very different perspectives and I find due to political reasons, I have to keep my mouth shut instead of saying the things that will be best for the company…

I find that I have a rare mindset – I care about doing whats best for the company first, despite the fact that there are pretty much no companies that care about the individual. Also – in a large company there are egos, politics, and reporting orders that must be adhered to. Since at the moment there is little to nothing I can do about things, I’m just going to sit and be along for the ride.

I had alot I was going to say, or at least that I wanted to say, yet for some reason when I put my hands down to type it didn’t flow… I guess this will have to end a short post… Goodnight all

The big weekend…

September 6th, 2007

This weekend is the first release of the application that I’ve been working on for the past year and a few months. There is alot of anxiety surrounding this release as well as alot of people just waiting for it to be over. We’ve all worked so hard to get where we are, it would be crushing not to have everything go off smoothly. Its odd looking back on a year in your life and looking at how different things are and how different they would have been had you done something else instead…

Again – its late, I was up working, and now I am not tired, so I find myself not sleeping. I guess I’m in a high-point in my cycle, which is good that the release weekend is falling dead in the middle of it… Ha – as I was writing this I got an e-mail from a co-worker… We’re all up really late working on this. Its odd – I feel like I have such a different outlook on life. I’ve been doing alot of soul searching and figuring out what it is I really want. While I still have insane ambition and desire to change the world, I’ve realized that its OK if I don’t, and if I just live the normal life.

For some reason I’m not in a talkative mood… So, for once, I’ll put up a short post… I’ll be back sunday when the release is over and I can breathe/sleep again

A great weekend

September 3rd, 2007

While most of my posts revolve around me working out my feelings and emotions, from time to time I’ll just give a “whats going on” in my life. I had a really great weekend this past 3-day weekend and it gave me alot of time to re-asses how and why I’m doing things/what I really want.

Melissa and I bought mountain bikes and went on some trails near her. It was fun and reminded me how much I liked biking (I used to go alot until I had a spill while on a difficult trail my junior year of college – no injury, but that was purly from luck). It was nice to be on a bike again and being outside. Also, another big thing that happened is that Melissa bought a new car (technically leased, but it’s hers…) In the process of hunting for a car, I found the car that I was looking to buy once I was done with my lease (in roughly 10 months). It was the color, make, model, and year that I wanted. The only “downside” was that it was 8 cylinder and I would prefer a 6. It was fairly low milage (47k for a 2003) and was very good price (~32k but I didn’t even start negotiating, so heck if I know what I could have brought it down to). I ended up not getting it for a bunch of reasons, but the immediate one was that Melissa was the one who needed the car now so we continued her search. She ended up getting a BEAUTIFUL car (red solara convertable). While negotiating the deal and doing all the math, I was also doing the math for the used car I wanted to purchase…

As part of that, I went back to my budget, and did tons of number crunches and thought back to my post about job satisfaction and feeling worthless (as its hard in today’s society not to see worth and money as similar and somewhat equal things). It was at that point that I realized much of what was upsetting me – there were things I wanted and could not have, and its not that I couldn’t have them, its that I wasn’t making enough money to have them, and therefore I felt like I didn’t deserve them.

Its an odd concept to explain, but it became clear to me – it isn’t even about HAVING something, its the knowledge that if I DID want something, I could have it – and currently I’m quite far from that. After my automatic savings, my mortgage, my car payments, my internet, my cellphone, my utilities, I really don’t have much left over – that is NOT a place I expected to be at this stage in my life, and its somewhat embarassing. I know tons of others my age are in this place, and many others in a worse place, but as anyone who knows me remotely well I really really hate being grouped in with other people my age. It has nothing to do with me thinking I’m any better or worse than other people my age, I’m just in a very different situation. When I was 13, I was working for an Internet Service Provider while others were out playing kickball and having their first crush. In highschool, I was busy working and starting websites while others were out drinking and partying. During college, for every spring break (except for one) I spent the week working 70+ hours for whatever company I was working for at the time. Does this make me any better than anyone else NO, but it does make me more experienced than them in the working world and I feel that makes it more justified to believe I should be in more advanced roles/age-categories… Well, that rant out of the way… … …

The rest of my weekend was very nice. I spent sunday in New Hope with Melissa, Kristin and the stevens crew, for Kristin’s B-day. Monday was spent BBQing at Melissa’s and it was very nice. I had a great weekend and am really looking forward to spending more time with Melissa. I know that with distance it’ll be tough to see each other, but we are discussing moving in together come next summer and its something I’m excited about. As always – I have my fears and trepidations about the whole ordeal, but that is why we are waiting and talking things over and discussing things and going over every detail and making sure this is what we both want to do…

So much has been on my mind lately, and so much is going to change at work in the next few weeks. My project goes live this weekend (meaning I’ll be busy all friday night, and saturday with this).

Well, I need to sleep. I came back out here because, for some reason, I wasn’t tired and figured I’d come and write and relax a bit before going to bed, but now I really need to get to sleep otherwise I’ll be incoherant tomorrow – something I can’t afford on the week of the release…